he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
