Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
