We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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