Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
