idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
