I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
