I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
