so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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