I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
