So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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