just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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