look no pants
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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