I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you would pick up someone in the library
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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