If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
