The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
