I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
