I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I supernannyed him into submission
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
