you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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