My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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