There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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