I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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