I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ladies don't puke and tell
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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