she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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