you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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