From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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