Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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