there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
