Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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