you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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