dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
