you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someone came in the potted fern
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize