my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
