If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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