She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
