please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
