I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
