I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
