sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
