ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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