Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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