3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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