there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
