Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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