went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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