I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
