I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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