Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
