there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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