I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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