I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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