she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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