youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
