how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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