I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
