When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sarcasm needs its own font
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Randomize
