I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
