He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
we should paint friendship bongs
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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