just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
