I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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