I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
