I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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