Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
