every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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